Office quotes are a source of amusement for many, whether it’s the person who is receiving them or the people around them. However, according to The Office Quotes Ideas, all these people looking on will want to know what’s being said and start laughing too.
Here are top The Office quotes that are likely to elicit laughter in all corners of the office. The quotes included range from ideas and advice as well as entertainment pieces.
Table of Contents
Michael Scott Quotes
Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way. — Michael Scott
I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl so I’m wise and I have worms. — Michael Scott
I guess I’ve been working so hard, I forgot what it’s like to be hard working. — Michael Scott
Season 2 Episode 3: “Office Olympics”
The worst thing about prison was the dementors. — Michael Scott
“I am Beyoncé always.” — Michael Scott
No, Rose, they are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs… Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there? – Michael Scott
An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to… an office is a place where dreams come true. — Michael Scott, Season 5 Episode 13: “Stress Relief”
Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim, is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so actually Jim is my enemy. – Dwight Schrute
“I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake.” — Kelly Kapoor, Season 7 Episode 22: “Goodbye Michael”
Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. — Michael Scott, Season 4 Episode 1: “Fun Run”
Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. — Michael Scott
I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good. — Michael Scott
And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do. — Michael Scott
I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible. — Michael Scott
Tell him to call me as ASAP as possible. — Michael Scott
Ain’t no party like a Scranton party cause a Scranton party don’t stop! — Michael Scott
No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them. — Michael Scott
Dwight you ignorant sl*t. — Michael Scott
I want you to rub butter on my foot… Pam, please? I have Country Crock. — Michael Scott
Michael Scott: Get out. No, this is not a joke. It was offensive and lame, so double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here.
I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers. — Michael Scott
I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. — Michael Scott
Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. — Michael Scott
Should have burned this place down when I had the chance. — Michael Scott
I am Beyonce, always. — Michael Scott
So you’ve come to the master for guidance? Is this what you’re saying, grasshopper? — Michael Scott
I say dance, they say, ‘How high?’ — Michael Scott
I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday. — Michael Scott
Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised. — Michael Scott
Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three. — Michael Scott
If you’re enjoying these quotes, you’ll love our collection Best Michael Scott Quotes To Inspire You 
Best Quotes From The Office
Everything I have I owe to this job… this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job. — Jim Halpert
I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow. — Dwight Schrute
And I feel God in this Chili’s tonight. — Pam Beesley
Look, it doesn’t take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn’t have two presidents; a boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes? — Oscar Martinez
Who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of a game is that? — Kelly Kapoor
I am proud to announce that there is a new addition to the Martin family. She’s hypoallergenic. She doesn’t struggle when you try to dress her. She’s a third-generation show cat. Her father was in Meet the Parents. Needless to say, she was very, very expensive. — Angela Martin
I don’t talk trash, I talk smack. They’re totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You’re ugly and I know it for a fact ’cause I got the evidence right there. — Kelly Kapoor
Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you’re not good at interacting with people. But guess what! From now on you guys are no longer losers! So give yourselves a round of applause. — Kelly Kapoor
Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are too flashy, so I’m forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls. — Angela Martin
Today, smoking is going to save lives. — Dwight Schrute
Motivational Quotes From The Office
I don’t want to be married in a tent-like a hobo. — Angela Martin
It is not a good time for me to lose my job since I have some pretty big long-term plans in my personal life with Pam that I’d like her parents to be psyched about. So, I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before: try. — Jim Halpert
I have been trying to get on jury duty every year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit it in an air-conditioned room, downtown, judging people, while my lunch is paid for… that is the life. — Stanley Hudson
The only problem is whenever I try to make a taco, I get too excited and crush it. — Kevin Malon
How is it possible that in five years, I’ve had two engagements and only one chair? — Pam Beesley
Yeah, I’m not a temp anymore. I got Jim’s old job. This means at my 10-year high school reunion, it will not say ‘Ryan Howard is a temp.’ It will say, ‘Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm.’ That’ll show ’em. — Ryan Howard
I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for…at a dinner party. — Pam Beesley
“I stopped caring a long time ago.” — Creed Bratton
Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos. — Stanley Hudson
I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. — Kevin Malone, Season 3 Episode 22: “Beach Games”
Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat. — Dwight Schrute
My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m making Dwight up. He is very real. — Jim Halpert
I wonder what people like about me. Probably my jugs. — Phyllis Lapin-Vance
Oh, you’re paying way too much for worms. Who’s your worm guy? — Creed Bratton
I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the Sheriff’s station. — Creed Bratton
“It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don’t expect everybody to understand.” — Michael Scott
I got six numbers. One more and it would have been a complete phone number. — Kevin Malone
The man is wearing sandals. I don’t need to see Oscar’s toes at work. Gross! I mean, he looks like he just got off the boat. — Angela Martin
So this is my life — until I win the lottery. Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books. — Jim Halpert
If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die. — Stanley Hudson
Well, this is what happened. Uh, Ryan’s big project was the website, which wasn’t doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice. Once as offices and once in the website sales, which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard. — Oscar Martinez
Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year. — Dwight Schrute
Oh, I don’t think it’s blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do, so I won’t tell everyone that she’s cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter. — Phyllis Lapin-Vance
You know what they say about a car wreck, where it’s so awful you can’t look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away from, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you. — Pam Beesley
I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader. — Creed Bratton
Yes, I have a dream, and it’s not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there’s a button that I can press and launch that lighthouse into space. — Stanley Hudso
The Office Quotes About Love
We have a gym at home. It’s called the bedroom. — Phyllis Lapin-Vance
I’m guessing Angela is the one in the neighborhood that gives the trick-or-treaters toothbrushes, pennies, walnuts. — Pam Beesley
I once reported Oscar to the INS. Turns out he’s clean, but I’m glad I did it. — Angela Martin
Besides having sex with men, I would say the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me. — Oscar Martinez
If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people. — Dwight Schrute
If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I’d ever been here. And I’d forget, too. — Ryan Howard
You guys I’m, like, really smart now. You don’t even know. You could ask me, ‘Kelly, what’s the biggest company in the world?’ And I’d be like, ‘blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah.’ Giving you the exact right answer. — Kelly Kapoor
I am a black belt in gift wrapping. — Jim Halpert
The people here are amazing debaters. I guess you can say they are master-bakers. — Kevin Malone
Who is Justice Beaver? — Dwight Schrute
I already won the lottery. I was born in the US of A, baby. And as backup, I have a Swiss passport. — Creed Bratton
Your body is a temple. You have to respect it. You can’t just whore it out. — Angela Martin
I have decided that I’m going to be more honest. I’m gonna start telling people what I want, directly. So, look out world, ‘cuz ‘ol Pammy is gettin’ what she wants. And, don’t call me Pammy. — Pam Beesley
It’s like I used to tell my wife. I do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong, and if you don’t like it, you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I’ll say it to my next one, too. — Stanley Hudson
I mean, I’m not a slut, but who knows. — Kelly Kapoor
Michael is leaving. And apparently, they’ve already hired a new manager. And we’re meeting him today. It’s a lot to process — paperwork-wise. — Oscar Martinez
Close your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout. — Phyllis Lapin-Vance
I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But on pretzel day? Well, I like pretzel day. — Stanley Hudso
The Office Quotes Dwight
I’m fast. To give you a reference point. I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther. — Dwight Schrute
Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton. — Creed Bratton
“Why waste time use lot words when few words do trick?” —Kevin Malone
There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point? — Pam Beesly
I’ve got a golden ticket idea. Why don’t you skip on up to the roof and jump off? — Stanley Hudson
“I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to just tune myself out…” — Kelly Kapoor
There are always a million reasons not to do something. — Jan Levinson
It’s a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work. — Dwight Schrute
Toby: We should really have the office’s air quality tested. We have radon coming from below. We have asbestos in the ceilings. These are silent killers.
“Oh, it is on, like a prawn who yawns at dawn.” — Andy Bernard
Michael: You are the silent killer. Go back to the annex.
Toby: You’ll see.
Toby: Hey Michael, I have an extra twin bed if you want.
Michael: You are going to be sleeping by yourself for the rest of your life, so you should just get used to it.
Toby: Didn’t you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from that e-mail?
Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, OK?
Toby: Actually, I didn’t think it was appropriate to invite children, since it’s uh, you know, there’s gambling and alcohol. It’s in our dangerous warehouse, it’s a school night, and you know, hooters is catering, and is that — is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun, or exciting, you make it… not that way. I hate… so much about the things that you choose to be.
Who’s the one who didn’t bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure, I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars, and yeah, I BMed in the shredder on New Year. But I didn’t bring the lice in. That was all Pam. — Meredith
I miss the days when there was only one party I didn’t want to go to. — Ryan Howard
Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sort of feel out what the situation calls for. — Kelly Kapoor
You’re the people’s princess! Diana was nothing! — Meredith
Tell ya one thing, I’m not gonna be a good mom tonight. — Meredith
Hey everybody, he’s not in the men’s room. Although the seat was warm, so we may have just missed him. — Meredith
Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Scheider. — Creed Bratton
Let’s put a smile on that face. — Creed Bratton
When Pam gets Michael’s old chair, I get Pam’s old chair. Then I’ll have two chairs. The only one to go. — Creed Bratton
The Office Quotes Funny
You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated. — Creed Bratton
Mini cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes? Which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people? — Kevin Malone
We didn’t play many video games in Scranton. Instead, we’d do stuff like… uh, Pam and I would sometimes hum the same high-pitched note and try to get Dwight to make an appointment with an ear doctor. And, uh, Pam called it… tendinitis. — Jim Halpert
I think it’s great that the company’s making a commercial, because not very many people have heard of us. I mean, when I tell people I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers or muffins or mittens or… and frankly, all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide. — Jim Halpert
I find the mystery genre disgusting. I hate being titillated. — Angela Martin
If I can’t scuba, then what’s this all been about? What am I working toward? — Creed Bratton
I wanted to eat a pig in a blanket, in a blanket. — Kevin Malone
Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. — Bob Vance
Mind if I steal my wife? — Bob Vance
One day Michael came in and complained about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then. — Jim Halpert
Michael: So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you.
Oscar: Who is this guy again?
Michael: Don’t worry about Phil. He drives a corvette. He is doing just fine. OK. Calling cards are… the wave of the future. These things sell themselves.
Pam: Happy birthday Michael.
Michael: Oh ho ho! What?
Pam: I said happy birthday.
Michael: Thank you! That’s really nice.
As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it’s nice to be represented on one. — Phyllis Lapin-Vance
Jim told me you could buy gaydar online. — Dwight Schrute
I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They’re always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I’m constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don’t get sore too? Do you think I don’t need to know the fastest way to the hospital? — Standley Hudson
I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn’t hate me. — Pam Beesley
Stanley just drank OJ out of my mug and didn’t seem to realize that it wasn’t his hot coffee. So, the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won’t notice? — Jim Halpert
Ultimatums are key. Basically, nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself. — Kelly Kapoor
I want to be wine and dined and sixty-nined. — Kevin Malone
Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed’s brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I’ve read some of it. Even for the internet, it’s… pretty shocking. — Ryan Howard
News flash: You are not special. — Stanley Hudson
Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, this would be my career. And, uh, if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train. — Jim Halpert
Toby: We’re not all gonna sit in a circle Indian style, are we?
Me think, why waste time say lot word, when few word do trick. — Kevin Malone
The worst thing about prison was the Dementors. — Prison Mike
I’m always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs. — Andy Bernard
Rit-dit-dit-do-doo! — Andy Bernard
I kinda know what it’s like to be in commercials. My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man. — Kevin Malone
Boy, have you done lost your mind? Cause I’ll help you find it! — Stanley Hudson
Today, smoking is going to save lives. — Dwight SchruteI’m not offended by homosexuality. In the ’60s I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain… and it’s possible a man slipped in. (Shrugs) There’d be no way of knowing. — Creed Bratton
Dwight Schrute: Boo! Unimpressed. It’s a tightrope for babies. Boooo.
Clark Green: Alright, let’s see you do it.
Dwight Schrute: Alright. Let me show you how a real man walks across a flaccid cord.
In the parking lot today, there was a circus! The copier did tricks on the high-wire. A lady tried to give away a baby that looked like a cat. There was a Dwight impersonator and a Jim impersonator. A strongman crushed a turtle; I laughed, and I cried. Not bad for a day in the life of a dog food company. — Creed Bratton
I can’t use Phyllis! Are you kidding me? The moment she steps off this bar, I’ll be launched into space! God, you’re so insensitive. — Dwight Schrute
When you’re a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that. — Pam Beesley
I normally don’t enjoy making people laugh. — Angela Martin
I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to tune myself out. — Kelly Kapoor
The Dunder Mifflin stock symbol is D.M.I. Do you know what that stands for? Dummies, Morons, and Idiots. Because that’s what you’d have to be to own it. And as one of those idiots, I believe the board owes me answers. — Oscar Martinez
I think, why waste time say lot word when few words do trick. — Kevin Malone
I stole. … And I robbed. And I kidnapped… the… president’s son. And held him for ransom. — Prison Mike
I’m glad Michael’s getting help. He has a lot of issues, and he’s stupid. — Phyllis Lapin-Vance
Do I look like someone who would waste my own time? — Robert California
It’s true. Around this office, in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people. But the doctor said, if I can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die. — Stanley Hudson
Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are just too flashy. — Angela Martin, Season 3 Episode 21: Women’s Appreciation
There’s something about an underdog that really inspires the unexceptional. — Robert California
I wanna do a cartwheel. But real casual-like. Not enough to make a big deal out of it, but I know everyone saw it. One stunning, gorgeous cartwheel. — Creed Bratton
A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and my cousin, Mufasa, was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and um, we all took it really hard. — Ryan Howard
I understand nothing. — Michael Scott, Season 5 Episode 22: The Dream Team
I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas. It’s rock n roll for people who don’t like rock n roll. It’s rap for people who don’t like rap. It’s pop for people who don’t like pop. — Robert California
I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate…no. But, I live by another rule: Just do it…Nike. – Michael Scott
Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ and if they would, I do not do that thing. — Dwight Schrute, Season 3 Episode 16: Business School
I don’t care what they say about me, I just wanna eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party. – Pam Beesly
Whether you’re scared of dying, or dying alone, or dying drunk in a ditch, don’t be. It’s going to be OK. – Michael Scott
Dwight mercy-killed Angela’s cat. — Pam Beesley
Me think, why waste time say lot word, when few word do trick. — Kevin Malone
I used to be obese. Once you’ve conquered obesity, everything else is easy. Life literally moves in slow motion. I’m not saying I’m Superman, but let me just put it this way. If I were shot in the head, I’m pretty sure everything would be fine. I’d almost welcome it. – Deangelo Vickers
Every so often, Jim dies of boredom. – PAM BEESLEY
Read more: Best Quotes From Step Brothers Movie