Best Dorothy Parker Quotes [2022]

Best Dorothy Parker Quotes

Even though being a famed American critic, short story writer, poet, and satirist, Dorothy Parker is, to date, admired because of her wisecracks and humor. Despite having a troubled youth, she broke off her previous shackles and gained fame not only for her literary books ‘The New Yorker‘ but as the charter member of this Algonquin Round Table.’ As fortune would have it, many of the quotations apply to the present condition of the planet just fine. Listed below are our favorites Dorothy Parker Quotes.


Their pooled emotions wouldn’t fill a teaspoon

“Their pooled emotions wouldn’t fill a teaspoon.” ― Dorothy Parker

“You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.” ― Dorothy Parker


“If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.”― Dorothy Parker

“I’d like to have money. And I’d like to be a good writer. These two can come together, and I hope they will, but if that’s too adorable, I’d rather have money.” ― Dorothy Parker

“I hate writing, I love having written.” ― Dorothy Parker

“The two most beautiful words in the English language are ‘cheque enclosed.”

(Actually, this quote attributed to Parker is a paraphrase. In 1932, the New York Herald Tribune asked her for a list of the most beautiful words.) ― Dorothy Parker

“There’s a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.” -DOROTHY PARKER, The Paris Review


“One more drink and I’ll be under the host.” ― Dorothy Parker

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.” ― Dorothy Parker

When asked if she was going to join Alcoholics Anonymous: “Certainly not. They want me to stop now.” ― Dorothy Parker


“Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.” – DOROTHY PARKER, Dorothy Parker in Her Own Words

“I don’t know much about being a millionaire, but I’ll bet I’d be darling at it.” ― Dorothy Parker

When she was offended by the amount of money a producer offered her to write a script: “You can’t take it with you, and even if you did, it would probably melt.” ― Dorothy Parker



“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.” ― Dorothy Parker



Razors pain you,

Rivers are damp,

Acids stain you,

And drugs cause cramps.

Guns aren’t lawful,

Nooses give,

Gas smells awful.

You might as well live.” ― Dorothy Parker, Enough Rope

“That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.” ― Dorothy Parker

“Excuse my dust.” Parker suggested that this be used as an epitaph on her final resting place—and it was. – DOROTHY PARKER, Vanity Fair


“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.” ― Dorothy Parker

“Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.” -DOROTHY PARKER, New York World

I require three things in a man


“I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.” ― Dorothy Parker

“Now I know the things I know, and I do the things I do; and if you do not like me so, to hell, my love, with you!” ― Dorothy Parker

“Better be left by twenty dears / Than lie in a love-less bed; / Better a loaf that’s wet with tears, / Than cold, unsalted bread.” ― Dorothy Parker

“Four be the things I’d have been better without love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.” ― Dorothy Parker

“It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.” ― Dorothy Parker

“By the time you swear you’re his,

Shivering and sighing,

And he vows his passion is

Infinite, undying – Lady, make a note of this:

One of you is lying.” – DOROTHY PARKER, “Unfortunate Coincidence”, Not So Deep as a Wel


“That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say ‘No’ in any of them.” ― Dorothy Parker

“What fresh hell is this?” ― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

“This wasn’t just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.” ― Dorothy Parker

“There’s life for you. Spend the best years of your life studying penmanship and rhetoric and syntax and Beowulf and George Eliot, and then somebody steals your pencil.” – DOROTHY PARKER, The Portable Dorothy Parker

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.” ― Dorothy Parker

“Constant use had not worn ragged the fabric of their friendship.” ― Dorothy Parker

“The Monte Carlo casino refused to admit me until I was properly dressed so I went and found my stockings, and then came back and lost my shirt.” ― Dorothy Parker

“On being shown an apartment by a real estate agent:] Oh, dear, that’s much too big. All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.” ― Dorothy Parker

“If all the young ladies who attended the Yale promenade dance were laid end to end, no one would be the least surprised.” ― Dorothy Parker

“Drink and dance and laugh and lie, Love, the reeling midnight through, For tomorrow we shall die! (But, alas, we never do.)” ― Dorothy Parker

“The men you imitate in verse influence your prose.” – DOROTHY PARKER, The Paris Review, summer 1956

“You can’t teach an old dogma new tricks” ― Dorothy Parker

“Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.” ― Dorothy Parker, Constant Reader

“A list of authors who have made themselves most beloved and therefore, most comfortable financially, shows that it is our national joy to mistake for the first-rate, the fecund rate.” ― Dorothy Parker

“As only New Yorkers know, if you can get through the twilight, you’ll live through the night.” – DOROTHY PARKER, “New York at 6:30 PM” ― Dorothy Parker

“This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.” ― Dorothy Parker

“In youth, it was a way I had,
To do my best to please.
And change, with every passing lad
To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know
And do the things I do,
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you.” ― Dorothy Parker, The Complete Poems of Dorothy Parker

“Every year, back comes Spring, with nasty little birds yapping their fool heads off and the ground all mucked up with plants.” ― Dorothy Parker

“Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
Four be the things I’d been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.” ― Dorothy Parker, The Complete Poems of Dorothy Parker

“Years are only garments, and you either wear them with a style all your life, or else you go dowdy to the grave.” ― Dorothy Parker

“The only dependable law of life – everything is always worse than you thought it was going to be.” ― Dorothy Parker

“When your bank account is so overdrawn that it is positively photographic, steps must be taken.” – Dorothy Parker.

Gertrude Stein did us the most harm when she said, “You’re all a lost generation.” That got around to certain people and we all said, Whee! We’re lost. Perhaps it suddenly brought to us a sense of change. Or irresponsibility. But don’t forget that, though the people in the twenties seemed like flops, they weren’t. Fitzgerald, the rest of them, reckless as they were, drinkers as they were, they worked damn hard and all the time.” – DOROTHY PARKER, The Paris Review, summer 1956

“If you looked for things to make you feel hurt and wretched and unnecessary, you were certain to find them …” ― Dorothy Parker

“Ducking for apples change one letter and it’s the story of my life.” ― Dorothy Parker

“Heterosexuality is not normal, it’s just common.” ― Dorothy Parker

“The cleverest woman on earth is the biggest fool on earth with a man.” ― Dorothy Parker

“Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, a medley of extemporanea, And love is a thing that can never go wrong, and I am Marie of Romania.” ― Dorothy Parker

“Creativity is a wild mind and a disciplined eye.” ― Dorothy Parker

“Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.” ― Dorothy Parker

“Never throw mud: you can miss the target, but your hands will remain dirty.” ― Dorothy Parker

“I know this will come as a shock to you, Mr. Goldwyn, but in all history, which has held billions and billions of human beings, not a single one ever had a happy ending.” ― Dorothy Parker

“All right, God, send me to hell. You think You’re frightening me with Your hell, don’t You? You think Your hell is worse than mine.” – DOROTHY PARKER, “A Telephone Call” ― Dorothy Parker

“Once, when I was young and true. Someone left me sad – Broke my brittle heart in two, And that is very bad. Love is for unlucky folk, Love is but a curse. Once there was a heart I broke; And that, I think, is worse.” ― Dorothy Parker

“Most good women are hidden treasures who are only safe because nobody looks for them.” ― Dorothy Parker

“Of course I talk to myself. I like a good speaker, and I appreciate an intelligent audience.” – Dorothy Parker.

“I’m never going to accomplish anything; that’s perfectly clear to me. I’m never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don’t do anything. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don’t even do that anymore.” ― Dorothy Parker

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